It’s so fascinating, being part of this social media landscape. I’ve been talking for a while about how my Monday night intuitive painting sessions with Chris Zydel are such an anchor for me. And a few times in the past months people have said to me “you should share some of your painting on Instagram.” This was said in terms of my growing my business, and letting people into my life. And so I have, only once or twice. Really, my paintings are the end result of the process of my painting, I do not paint to have a painting at the end, I paint because it helps me ground and connect with my soul and spiritual guidance. But I figured, what the hell, I can share what I paint once in a while.
Sometimes my paintings are akin to vomiting up all of the crap stored inside of me that just needs to get out, out, out. Those I really have no desire to share. Once I began looking at my paintings through the lens of sharing them, something happened. I began to censor myself. I quite unconsciously started to create things that could be shared. I didn’t even realize I had done that until I was feeling unwilling to add more paint to a painting last night, not because the painting was finished but because I didn’t want to ruin it. Ah. That is always the signal that the ego has come in and is making decisions about what is acceptable, what looks “good,” and what I am allowed to paint.
What happened was that posting and sharing my paintings actually took me out of my process and let my ego come in and call the shots. Even the heart in the photo above is only part of the painting, there’s a big fat F-word painted right below it which is cropped out of the shot. In showing everyone my painting, in order to show a window into myself, I was actually being less than authentic. The heart you see is now partially covered by blood (red paint) and other worldly beings, because, for my healing and highest good, that’s what needed come out onto the paper.
I really got through my painting last night, that everything isn’t for sharing, that some things are for keeping for myself. For now, the only view of my paintings I’ll be sharing is the blank paper, full of possibilities. This is the only way I can continue to grow, evolve, and move forward in my spiritual practice and bringing my gifts out into the world.
I would really love to hear from you, what do you share, what do you keep for yourself?